Roshael Rose, left, Angela Salerni and Kaden.
Angela and Michael were my first couple. I never met anyone else. It was almost — for me, I was so excited and so eager, I almost couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Oh, my God, they really picked me!” I was just really pumped.
Angela Salerni: From our point of view the story started in ’07. I was engaged to my husband, working full time, when I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. They removed one ovary then, and my very smart oncologist suggested: “Look, you’re going to have this intense chemo; I foresee more surgeries in your future. Why don’t you harvest your eggs?” She talked me into it, and she was right. I had a hysterectomy in 2011, and we had six embryos frozen.
We started working with our agency in 2012. They found Roshael. She was the third person we tried to work with. She’s awesome, a perfect match for us. The profiles, the matching — it’s like a cross between a résumé and a dating profile. It’s bananas. She and her partner had to do a personality test. They had to have blood work done, both of them, and a social work home visit and a criminal-background check. All ahead of time, before we could even meet them.
Roshael: Meeting them for the first time was scary. You’re fixing to do something so intimate with these people. I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn’t. We went to New York — that was a shock for me right there. I’d never been anywhere like that.
We hung out the whole day. We had to do a bunch of medical things, lab work, a sonogram, a psych evaluation. Me and my partner both had to do that. They gave me the medicines I’d need to take, instructions — it was like an all-day medical/let me get in your head appointment.
They try to prepare you, but you know when we first did it, it didn’t work. They don’t tell you how to deal with those things. It made me feel really sad, not for myself, but for them. But then you start feeling bad about yourself, like you’re not capable. It was really difficult.
Everything happened so quick up to that point, but when that happened, that was real emotion. Bad or good, we’re in it together.
Angela: The first transfer was five years to the day of our wedding. I was like, “This is it; the stars are aligning” — and it didn’t work. We got the news that she was pregnant and then 48 hours later — phone call. Chemical pregnancy. That was the saddest I was. I was wallowing, and a friend said, “You should call Roshael and see how she’s doing.”
She was really, really sad. That’s when I first felt like we were partners in this — when I realized how upset she was. She wanted it too.
The next implantation worked. That was our son, Kaden. He’s just turned 1.
She had a great pregnancy — or at least, she said she did. The only thing honestly I would have wished for is that she lived closer. It would have been nice throughout the pregnancy to be able to see her more often. We adore her kids; we’re very connected to her fiancé. We visited for the first sonogram; my mom came down once for the third sonogram. We were there for the delivery. It wasn’t enough.
Roshael: I was 26, almost 27. My kids were 12, 10, 8 and 3. They were big enough to understand a little bit. At first they were like, what? There was some confusion: How does that happen? Don’t you love people and then make babies? I explained that I was just incubating the baby, kind of holding it, because some people can’t make babies that way. Then they met Mike and Ang and they were like: “Oh, yeah. Make them a bunch of babies.” They’re great!
People who see me pregnant with my kids, they say, “You’re about to have a brother or sister?” And the kids are like, “Oh, no, that’s not my mom’s baby.” Their faces! You know it’s not very common here. It’s great to tell people about it. I love that part of it. Or they’ll say, “What are you gonna name your baby?” And I say, “It’s not mine to name.”
That’s the most amazing thing. Biologically it’s not mine at all.
Angela: You know what’s amazing? The contract — the level of detail is out of control. You have to think of every contingency. What if the carrier dies? What if she’s on life support? What if you die? What if you want her to get an abortion because of genetic testing and she won’t?
If you read it too closely or think about it too hard, it’s almost impossible to digest.
For us, especially the first time around, I don’t think I allowed myself to believe we were having a baby until she delivered and we were out of there. There was always a piece of me that couldn’t believe someone would have a child and give it up. She was not “giving it up.” He wasn’t her baby — but that’s where I was. I think it’s not where she was. But there were times when I would text her and she wouldn’t text right back and I’d panic. You try to keep it in check, but it’s such a crazy thing to do. It could go so terribly wrong. I trust Roshael 100 percent now, but then, I’d think, “Where is she?”
What gave me comfort was knowing that Texas law was on our side regardless. She had no right to the child at all. There’s a feeling of safety in that.
Roshael: They ask you all the stuff when you sign up, about abortion, reduction of multiples — what will you do if that’s what they want? I did think about it, when the genetic testing was done. You get to the 20-week mark, you try to put it out of your mind, but there was the possibility.
You can tell them what you think you would do, but I don’t think you really know. I just said, that wouldn’t be a choice that I would make for myself, but it’s not my child. It’s their child.
I could see where that could go bad. That’s really hard.
I don’t think there was a lot of preparing for those kinds of feelings. She asked me questions — “Can you give the baby away?” — but they don’t really tell you how it feels. Of course you think: “Can you? Can you have a baby and give it up? Are you going to be attached?”
I guess your mind just separates the two. For me, it was totally their baby. I don’t know how your body turns that off, but mine did.
Angela: People don’t realize how expensive it is. I especially feel bad for people who dealt with infertility and eventually wind up here. I think it’s a lot harder. We always knew. We had years to get used to this idea. Our friends would save up for their mortgage, we would save up for our baby.
From our perspective it’s unbelievable the things that people will do for strangers. It’s impossible to tell, what percentage is motivated by financial incentives, but a tremendous part is pure altruism. From what I’ve witnessed I don’t think you could put yourself through it for just money. It’s more than that.
Roshael: When I did it I didn’t really care so much about the money. The money part was just a plus. It’s not like it’s enough to make you rich. But you’re not worried about anything. If you can’t work, for whatever reason, they’ve got you covered. I’m a court clerk, I work for a judge — the money puts a cushion on it. The first time it’s $25,000, and they pay for all your expenses. There’s an allowance for maternity wear and your travel — I went to New York three times and it was all on them.
If I was doing it for money, it’s not enough. You put your body through a lot. But for somebody I like I was, who really wanted to do it — the money is just nice, but it isn’t why I did it.
Her and I, we don’t cross that boundary, but I understand. That’s gotta be hard. I just think about how much they had to spend. It’s a lot.
Angela: We talk about how wonderful it was, and it was, but there were times when I was very sad not to be pregnant. When she entered her third trimester, reality hit. We were having a baby, but I was not having a baby. We’d get this awesome photo of Roshael, she’s drop dead gorgeous, her hand is on her belly and I’d think: “I will never have that. I will never get to rub my belly.”
Roshael: People say, “Oh, that’s so good of you; that’s so amazing.” I don’t think of it that way. They gave me more than I gave them. They let me be a part of them.
It’s harder for the intended parents than the surrogate. Those guys had to put in a bunch of effort and work and struggle. They’re the ones that did it. Some people say it’s the easy way out, not being pregnant. That’s just crazy. I mean, think about it, it’s hard to leave a little baby with a babysitter, and they go through all this, and it’s so far away, and they have no idea what’s going on.
We’re going to do it again. After I had their baby, I said: “I’m good. No more kids for Roshael.” But when they asked, I said: “Yes, of course, love to. No hesitation.” Because I guess I felt such a connection. I felt so close to them it makes it easy.
Angela: We are going to do this again. The contract is signed. She’s starting the hormone cycle. She spoke with a psychologist.
This time around it’s much, much faster, but they are still required to speak to the same counselor she spoke to last time. And there’s more — because this would be her sixth pregnancy, technically she’s not a fit carrier. The risk goes up incrementally with every pregnancy. It’s kind of arbitrary — is it more at five, at six, at seven? There’s really no definitive line.
We were required to send her to a maternal fetal medical specialist so she could hear about the increased risks. Our son was the biggest child she’d carried. If it’s another larger baby, she might need a C-section. I’m glad they insist on a specialist. She should know. But she seems really ready to go. She’s a powerhouse.
There’s no emotional road map. You just sort of wing it. I think we got lucky.
Read more about surrogacy: Surrogates and Couples Face a Maze of Laws, State by State
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