When our children were growing up (they are in college now), one of our neighbors did not invite our daughter to her children’s birthday parties. My husband insisted we invite all the neighborhood children to our parties. For years, I have harbored anger toward this woman who excluded our daughter. (Who would make a child so miserable?) Now, we are giving a neighborhood party for another couple that is moving away. Do I invite the family I have hated for 13 long years?
Anonymous
Invite your horrid neighbors, and not because they are not horrid, but so you can release some of the useless antipathy you’ve been clutching on to for years. I promise that your daughter has forgotten all about those long-ago birthday parties. Now it’s your turn. Just close your eyes and invite them. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky, and they won’t come — stoking your righteous fury for another 13 years.
Sending Mixed Smoke Signals
I recently had an informational meeting as a favor for a Chinese graduate student. As a thank you gift, she gave me a huge carton of Chinese cigarettes. I don’t smoke, and my friends don’t, either. For some reason, in situations like these, my thoughts often conclude with: Give them to homeless people. Would it be so wrong (albeit unhealthy) to give these cigarettes to the homeless?
Eli, New York
That is the single worst idea you have ever had, Eli — and I include the time you used steel wool to buff your mother’s car. (Sorry, that was my brother.) Do not give proven cancer-causing agents to homeless people. They are not human junk drawers. Even if you found a homeless person who smoked, or could sell the cigarettes, you would be creating unhealthy incentives. Throw them away; buy the homeless guy a sandwich, instead. (Give the ciggies to parents who don’t invite your children to their children’s birthday parties.)
Nobody Likes a Snitch
I sit next to a co-worker who watches videos for most of the day. We overlap on one account; he does no work on it. He also comes in hours late every day and leaves early. His team and I are frustrated with him. Because of his work habits, they come to me for extra help. Should I tell his teammates to speak with their team leader about this, or should I speak with our shared manager and risk getting him fired?
H. H., New York
Your second-grade teacher was right: Nobody likes a tattletale. (Even when the rat you’re ratting out is a no-good-nik like your co-worker.) Unfair as it may seem, snitching creates a negative, backbiting impression of you. Managers value employees who help solve problems, not those who dump more trouble in their laps. It doesn’t sound as if you, or anyone on the account team, have spoken with the slug in the next cubicle about his work ethic. Why not try that first?
Either in private (my first choice) or at the next team meeting, say: “Hank, I’m getting buried here. Can you start pulling more weight on our project, please?” It may help. And even if it doesn’t, it won’t take long for word of his sloth to make it up the chain of command. But I’d rather your bosses see you as a hard-working team player, not someone who whines about staff problems that you (and the team) might fix on your own.
Taking the Higher, Quieter Road
I am finalizing my divorce. I just learned that my husband was having an affair with his secretary, and that that is why he asked to divorce me. I haven’t mentioned the divorce on Facebook, but I think that announcing it there would be the easiest way to avoid unknowing questions about my husband from friends who don’t know. I would also like to announce his affair, so people don’t think the split is my fault. Thoughts?
J. S., San Jose, Calif.
Once upon a time, there was a famous dancer named Gelsey Kirkland, who wrote a furious memoir called “Dancing on My Grave.” In it, she chronicled all the pills, booze, sex and abuse it took for her to become a prima ballerina — then flame out. It has been 25 years since I read it, and to this day, I wonder: Didn’t she have even one friend who told her to wait awhile, until she was a smidge less angry, to write her book? Well, I am that friend, Anonymous! Do not post a word of your divorce or your husband’s affair on Facebook. Your feelings are too raw. Trust me: In two years you will be glad you didn’t.
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